My Satanic Invocation: I've seen the light. Albeit a black one.

Staff Projects, Satan or Silence 0 Comments

Now that I’m finally on the invocation docket, with the City of Lighthouse Point indicating July 12, 2016 is the day for my Satanic Blessing of that fair city, it appears we’ve finally made headway on our journey.

After nearly 18 months of begging for attention, demanding my equal rights under the law, just to say a few friendly words from Satan Stan, the end appears near!

I’ve been asked, “Hey Chaz, just what is a Satanic Invocation, are there goats involved in the process. Should I wear a raincoat”?

The Muse and I, along with my legal team (aka Tommy Wright) have internally proposed a myriad of ideas … we’ve really spit-balled, trying to come up with something that’s both solemn and Satanic.

Mind you, that’s not an easy task … after all, this will be Satan’s first time playing for a South Florida audience, and we’d hate to suck.

Luckily, for inspiration, I’ve stumbled across a Patheos article entitled “Evangelist Claims to Have Raised 35 People From the Dead.”

[Editor’s Note: Praise Joel O’Steen and his $10M tax-free house! Our prayers have been answered.]

Seems a guy named Todd Bentley, sporting a Duck Dynasty look, has the ability to raise the dead.

35 of them in fact.

Hell, he even managed to resurrect some dude who was electrocuted 48 hours earlier, and cure a little girl stricken with Down’s Syndrome.

Now, if that’s what one redneck could do, imagine being powered by the Evil Overlord himself (no, not Dick Cheney) … we’re talking Satan (or Stan, if you’re in the know).

Raising the dead before a City Commission audience (who some might say already include pre-dead members) has certain benefits to the community:

  1. More people, even dead ones, means more tax dollars.
  2. How much health care does a dead person require? Take, for instance, the dude who was bug-zapped… Think he’d benefit from an MRI?
  3. Meeting attendance would skyrocket, a carnival-like atmosphere would take hold, and for the local business person, the parking lot barbecue opportunities boggle the mind.

I mean, comparatively speaking, did the Pope raise someone from the dead? Sure he drove around in a Fiat and fooled a lot of liberal-minded sheeple, but when was the last time someone from that crowd rose from the dead?

[Editor’s Note: we promise no one will get hammered and then wake up in a cave three days later.]

With all this power, we’re going to need a few rules moving forward:

  1. Dead GOP and Tea Party folk will not be restored back to life, as Hell requires their cheap labor.
  2. Previous hot looking broads go to the front of the line.

Unfortunately, we’ll need to swap out the Mariachi Band playing La Bamba, as that music doesn’t quite match the occasion.

But fear not, my friend. In its place, none other than Michael Jackson‘s Thriller.

Dance bitches, dance.

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