Early this week, the City of Pompano Beach passed a resolution (RES-SATAN) which re-affirmed the city’s long Christian tradition and outlined the process for selecting “an eligible member of the clergy” to perform the Commission invocation.
Included with that 8-page resolution were the following steps:
- Maintaining a congregation list database — created using Ashton-Tate’s DBASE III (released 1984)
- The list will be culled from the Yellow Pages, Internet research, AOL Signup CDs sent via USPS, old Matlock reruns, anyone who still wears a Members Only jacket, fans of Drakkar Noir, and the Chamber Pot of Commerce
- All religious congregations with an established presence in the local community of Pompano Beach are eligible to be, and shall be, included in the Congregations List.
- In the event of a tie-breaker, the Clerk will apply IRS 501(c)(3) standards.
Ain’t that just silly?
Let’s break that down, shall we?
After the passing of last year’s SCOTUS ruling (City of Greece vs. Galloway), Greece allowed a Wiccan to perform an invocation. Given Pompano’s highly exclusive process, that Wiccan, along with a Satanist, humanist, or the girl next door would not be given podium time.
Explain to me how that is, in Pompano’s own words, “all-inclusive of every diverse religious congregation within Pompano Beach.”
But look, that’s all well and good, or as Nana would say, “it’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.”
So let’s shit on Mayor Lamar Fischer’s parade, shall we?
Step #1, we’ve created an online presence, the First Pompano Beach Church of Satan.
Step #2, get ourselves a Yellow Page ad (see above)
Step #3, establish a local presence (2637 E Atlantic Blvd, Pompano Beach, FL 33062)
Check, check, and check.